The the hardest thing to do is to look at yourself even though we see ourselves everyday; in the mirror, on social media, or the million selfies we need to take to get the perfect one. I know what I see in the mirror isn’t really what others see because of my self perception. Call it low self esteem, call it low self worth, call it whatever you want; the fact of the matter is most people can see the outside of me. The single mom with a decent car, decent job, little place in the country, doing it on her own. Most categorize that as being strong and independent. What people don’t see is truly what makes a person who they are…the inside.
Today was one of the toughest days in my recovery so far. I had to have this hard conversation with my sponsor. I don’t want to leave her, but my needs were not being met. Before I approached her though I did a lot of looking at me, my actions and behaviors. I needed to know what was I doing to cause this disconnect. As we all know everything starts and ends with me, so I can’t totally put this issue on her.
As our conversation started flowing there was a lot of emotions that have been trapped inside me that came out. Although we didn’t come up with when I was going to schedule more time with her because at this point I need some attention in my recovery or the fact that I’m being held on a step that in our literature states we should not hesitate on doing this step…and that was the point of the conversation. I really hate confrontation.
I say all this to come to a place where looking in the mirror is more than just the outside appearance which is 9 times out of 10, a facade. The most painful things about me are harbored deep within me. I am so afraid to let anyone see me as anything less than perfect. That I have spent my whole life saying I do not want to be like my mom, yet those character defects that she possesses are what is ingrained in me so deeply, which makes it so hard to accept myself as well as her. The fact that, if I am not a good at everything, that I don’t show you that I am doing the work, then I won’t get your approval.
After all we all just want to be accepted and liked.
I guess once we really see ourselves for who we are; good, bad, or indifferent there is only one thing that can be done…change I must or die I will. Maybe not die on a literal sense, but there is a death that can happen on the inside or even spiritual death that can be just as painful as the real thing. It can drag you to this place and keep you there…out of fear, out of denial, out of not wanting to do what has to be done. Believe me I know I’ve been there both in and out of recovery.
I wish I could see what others do. Maybe then I would be able to say that I like myself more than what I do. Don’t get it wrong, I like myself a little, but I don’t accept myself. Today, right now, it’s going to be a long road to change what I need to change to become the person I have always wanted to be and God intended me to be. It’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it.
To the person reading this…that can relate…not just to the real life situation, but the pain of being this person that is struggling to be who they always wanted to be: You are not alone. I am here with you and maybe we can do this together.