The hardest thing and I do mean the HARDEST thing is to make a decision in my life. A decision ALWAYS implies action and execution. Well, I am not good at that part especially if I have a lot of choices, then I have to think of the consequences…it hurts my brain just typing it out! I wasn’t always like that though. When I was younger, especially in my active addiction days, I could act very impulsively and just deal with the consequences later. Some of those consequences I am still dealing with today.
I was rereading over my 4th step today that I wrote over and a half ago; just so I can remain fresh and understand my patterns. Just in case you are reading this and are unsure what the 4th step is, We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Basically, I looked back over my life and made an inventory of the bad and the good of my life, so that way I can understand my patterns in the decisions, behaviors, and actions. That way, prayerfully, I will learn not to repeat them.
I have come to the conclusion I have some memory loss due to my using because although I wrote this a year and half ago I forgot what was on it. Funny how the brain works…you know when you can remember smells, exactly how something looked or felt from 20 years ago, but a year ago or even this morning you’re like, what did I do?
I can remember when I was a teenager talking to my friends and saying, “When I have kids they won’t get away with anything because I have done it all!”
After reading this over again, I have to send out some prayers that my kids do not put me through even half of what I did when I was younger. Through the years I have grown some longstanding resentments towards people, but what I have learned about resentments; just like everything else I have been learning, starts and ends with me. Regardless, it all comes down to a choice…a decision.
I am getting pretty off topic at the moment, but I think that all needed to be said to really understand why I wanted to discuss this. I was looking at all the decisions in my past and the majority of them were pretty bad. I can’t even imagine what I was thinking when I made those choices; to lie to my parents, to sneak out almost every night, to steal money from my dad, to take taxi’s to my boyfriend’s house when I was in high school, to skip school, to do drugs, to become a stripper, to steal things, to stay with my abuser….can you imagine how much that weighs a person down.
I do know what I was thinking actually…self centeredness. How can I get away with this? I know some of it looking back was because I wanted attention. I felt that my siblings got all the attention, so because I wanted what I wanted and I wanted attention, bad attention was better than feeling like I didn’t have any. Even looking at the decision to be a stripper it was because I wanted attention and I would get it every night.
Every action has an equal or opposite reaction.
We are free to pick and chose as we please in this world, but the one thing we are not able to choose…consequences. Oh Lord! What in the world could happen if I did this? Consequences come in both good and bad forms. Some people call it karma.
Like the good addict that I am I try so very hard to control what those consequences, those outcomes are. Even for all the decisions that I made in the past I tried to control the outcome and I didn’t even know it. When I lied I tried to lie some more to get out of it. That was just exhausting keeping up with all the lies that I told. When my parents told me that I believed my lies, they were absolutely right.
The consequences though were what really hurt. My parents never believed me or trusted me (I don’t blame them a bit) and it wasn’t until I made the best decision of my life, to get clean that things were able to change. In fact, it wasn’t until probably a year or more later that they started to put trust in me and even gave me the key to their house. I was changing the way I lived. It has made me look at the decisions I make now differently. I try to think them through.
I do not do this perfectly and what I am learning today is that my decisions won’t make everyone happy because I want everyone to be happy and like me. That is a hard one for me to swallow. I don’t know if this is something other people struggle with that are not an addict or codependent, but I would like to think it is.