It has been quite awhile since I have written anything, so anyone who has read my posts…thank you. Today is strickly because I need to get some things off my mind because if not I will lock myself in a man made prison and throw away the key.
They say that in this program we are more alike than different; that none of us are unique. Our thoughts, our experiences, the pain is all similar and that’s how we can come together and help one another. I have been clean since May 9, 2013 and it seems as time goes on I see more problems than I do solutions or I am always working on something, life can never be just…peaceful. Then again, we thrive in chaos. When something is finally peaceful it is uncomfortable.
I am told I am in a growing phase, that because my life is so…uncomfortable at the moment…I am growing; that I am learning.
Well dammit! If this is growing what the hell am I supposed to learn because I feel like I am getting tortured here, like I am going crazy. My mind is telling me some horrible things. In the program we call it as, “the disease is talking to me,” but I feel that it is more than just “the disease.” I have this issue in me that makes me feel like a monster, like I am less than, that I will always be alone because who is going to love this broken, fragmented person that is me? I can then turn around and tell you that it’s because I cannot accept this part of me, that I don’t love this part of me and the only way to be happy is to learn to accept this part of me that was based from one bad decision.
My defense mechanism is to simply push people away because if I push you away then there is no chance you can hurt or reject me, but all I want is for you to accept me for who I am and love me for who I am; the loving, caring, kind hearted, determined, loyal, good willed, hardworking, creative, and bright individual that I am.
I was out with a bunch of people last night, I didn’t really wanna be there, but it’s been so long since I have gone out for a celebration. I was at the end of the 3 tables that we put together and I looked down and saw this amazing group of people and felt…alone. I was even having a conversation with this dear woman that has been there for me since day 1 of this journey and yet still felt alone. My ex was there and I see him laughing and carrying on and I see that he got himself a burger….I cannot even afford my bills and didn’t buy anything to eat last night, the waitress even gave my daughter milk for free. Instantly, I start getting in my head…look at this I am a failure, but why does he get food, but yet can’t even help with our daughter?
It takes one thing to set me off…once that one thing hits my mind I spin out and trap myself within the prison that locks me up with the thoughts that will tear me down till I am nothing…you aren’t a good mom, you are nothing, your fat no one will love you, look at all the lies you told, you can’t even afford your bills, you have no friends, they are all just saying those things to make you think they like you, they don’t care.
STOP! JUST STOP!
Then there is this thing that lives in my past that no one should ever have to deal with. I hear other people in the rooms talk about it and most women that I talk to this thing is how their story starts. That was the first time that they felt…different, that something out of their control affected them, so they did everything to make them feel different, to mask themselves to fit in anywhere, but never knowing who they really are because it was taken away before they can find out who they are.
In the end it is up to me to be able to push through this because our mind is a very powerful muscle and can be used to for many things. People in the rooms may call this self acceptance issues and yes some of it is exactly that and others may say I am in the triangle of self obsession and yes because a lot of this is from the past and fear of the future….but what if its more?
Addicts are some of the most resilient, bright, creative people out there and half the time you have no clue who we are. Society has always stuck us in corners and made us out to be these people that are like the “scum of the earth,” but really we can be the nurses that take care of you, the CEOs of major corporations, to the grandma that goes from doctor to doctor to get prescriptions. Not everyone may have the same thoughts as me, but I know they can understand how I feel and the pain of isolating myself as a result of locking myself up in this prison I have created.
Even during the darkest times of this process where I am alone in this jail it still isn’t as bad at my best day using because I know I am clean, I am loved, and I have a God that guides me to where I need to go even when I am in the eye of the storm.