Make My Mind Stop! – 4 Suggestions

Make My Mind Stop! – 4 Suggestions

destroy-negative-thoughts-1200x600

When your mind is racing and all you want to do is to make it stop, what do you do?

There are so many suggestions out there from the holistic aromatherapy approach, to the go to the gym and sweat your batoody off, to writing in a journal.  Many entrepreneurs, especially the stay at home mom kind, have their brain hardwired to think all day long.  It never shuts off.  When you lay your head down at night thats what it is the worst.

I can understand this more than anyone, my mind goes a mile a minute, especially at night when I want it to shut off.

What bills do I need to pay?

What am I going to cook for dinner?

What affiliate programs can I join?

How can I get more people for my portfolio?

What books should I read to help others?

Am I even going to succeed at this?

This right here is when the spinout of thoughts turns negative.  Self talk is so essential to an entrepreneur, so anyone really.  If you continually talk negatively then that is what will remain in your life.

In the book, “Mindset Magic: Using Scientific & Spiritual Principles to Create Your Life” it states “that if you claim something (think something) and claim it to be true your subconscious mind or amygdala will accept and bring forth into your experiences.”  So basically, what this book is saying that there is scientific proof that you can bring into existence peace, calmness, and all things positive is we just BREAK THE BROKEN RECORD OF DOUBT AND NEGATIVITY IN OUR BRAINS.

What is the reason we always go to the negative?

Some will say that it is because we had some type of experience in our earlier lifetime that has created this negative aspect about ourselves or a situation and it just keeps repeating until something happens where that chain is broken.

For me, I have a lot of experiences in my lifetime that has created the Negative Nancy tape in my head, but as an entrepreneur I am most guilty of comparing myself to others.

Why can’t I just look like her?

When I look like her or sound like her I will make more money.

My business doesn’t look like hers so thats why I am not making money.

I need to look prettier, skinnier…..and the list goes on, and on, and on……..and on.

d8c539550daf9d0317501a210521a4bd--body-images-amazing-photos

Society today looks at the exterior, your skins, your hair, your nails, you clothes, what your driving, where you live, as depicted in this image by Meg Gaiger from Harpy Images. If you do not fit in societies cookie cutter mold or what “the Jone’s” dictate as what’s in then your not part of it, your labeled, your an outcast.

The fact of the matter is, it all comes down to one thing….HOW WE FEEL ABOUT OURSELF.

What? What the heck does that mean?

My feelings are controlled by my thoughts and when my thoughts are negative then my feelings will be negative.  It is basically the proverbial chicken and the egg at that point.  When I feel I am not up to someones or myself’s standards my thoughts will find that negative tape and play it over and over.  On the other hand, when I am feeling confident, loved, on top of the world, worthy my mind will play the positive tape.

I know this has to be confusing, am I making any sense?

So, the key to stopping that negativity in your head will come down to what you want to do to help yourself.  Here are a few suggestions that will help when the Negativity Monster comes after you:

  1.  Come up with some positive mantras.    I am beautiful. I am worthy.  I am going to be the success I know I am going to be.  I am loved.   Remember, get your subconscious to understand it is true and forever change the tape and your life.

  2. Meditate or Breathing Exercises.   Mediation helps with relaxation, clearing your mind, and pulling you back into the present moment.  Being present in the moment is important because when we are over thinking or having a racing mind it is due to either looking towards the past, which is full of regret, or the future which is full of fear. 

  3. Soak in a Hot Bath.    ****this is my favorite method****  This is not something that is a medical explanation here, it is simply one of my personal methods to helping calm my mind.  Running a hot bath, maybe some bubbles, a good book or some candles and just zone out.  This is also a great time to combine mediation with this method.

  4. Journalling.  Writing what your thinking and what your feeling is so important on finding out the real, striped down thinking is all about.  Do not hold back, by raw, be real, be authentic in your writing so that way you can either look back and laugh, look back and realize you have had this issue before and it is creating a pattern, or look back and see how far you have come.

  5. Gratitude Lists.   Thinking of something positive will hopefully make you see and think of ho amazing your life really is.  

  6. Sleep!

There is so many other methods out there.  I can spend days and days listing them all.  Most people, actually 1 in 5 people have anxiety and depression, which can be tied to a chemical imbalance, but can also be tied to experiences that a person has gone through or is going through.  So, spending the time to uncover what is really going on will help you get through to the other side.

The mind, our thoughts are all an amazing thing.  Just like our bodies we need to take care of it.

untitled

That Area…you know, that hurts!

That Area…you know, that hurts!

Completely and utterly blessed!

It is so very easy for me to say this when I am having a good day or more importantly things are going MY way.  If it’s not going my way then I am a very large 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum both in my head and to everyone that will listen to me and not want to listen to me, just let it go.

I don’t know why I do this, maybe because I haven’t grew out of that little child within me or maybe it’s because I just feel like I am right (That’s the sales person in me), or maybe it’s because I just like to debate…and that just boils down to wanting to be right.

Ever just come across a person that just irks you, that makes you lose control of what you say or do…it’s just an automatic reaction?

There is someone that I know that gets so under my skin and I love this person very much.  So many of my friends, family, and my sponsor say that the qualities that I see in this person is what I harbor in me and that is why it bothers me so much that I cannot control myself.  I practice a program and they do not, so I have to hold myself to different standards.

Most people in recovery will tell you…if it makes you feel something then you should look at it or what step are you practicing?  When it comes to this person I do not practice steps.  This person is controlling, selfish, and self-centered.  There is always motives when they do something.  When they are nice there is always a hidden agenda.  They will tell you they love you and that they care, but the only way to show it is to buy you something and then throw it in your face.  Love is not materialist anyway.

Overtime, after knowing them you see the real them…and I was always asked if you know they act like this, then why do you let it bother you so much?  You can say that I hold them to a different standard, I seek their approval, that I want to see them happy, but yet nothing ever makes them happy.

ENOUGH! THIS IS THE PROBLEM….WELL WHAT’S THE SOLUTION?

The solution is within me, it’s my decision, my choices to entertain such negativity.  If they are exactly like me, an addict, but they do not have the drugs or hit their bottom yet to know they have these issues then I have to compassionate.  I have to listen to what is being said to me and not just react to everything that comes out their mouth or what they do.

I was told that if they are use to me being defensive, argumentative, and verbally aggressive than that is what they always expect of me.  How can you change anything if you do not do something different?

Step 1 – I cannot control them only myself and my reactions.

Step 2 – Do something different.  Instead of run at the mouth or cause myself grief; listen, be more agreeable, be loving towards a person that is sick.

Step 3 – Trust that the differences that I do portray will change the relationship dynamic.

Caveat: I do not have to accept the unacceptable!

unacceptable

Hold up?  What does that mean?  I do not have to be a doormat.  Being agreeable does not mean letting them just walk on me and being taken advantage of.  For me, it’s always been all or nothing.  I do something and give it my all or I just will not do it.  Remembering that caveat protects me from going to extremes when trying to practice the steps that I have in my life.

There is so much more that I could say about this, but really that sums it up.  Its really just that simple.  The program I am in is just that simple.  I do not practice this perfectly, but it’s getting better.  If any part of this post has reached you, if you are still reading and going….wow, Andrea I know what you mean I can relate to this; I have a person in my life exactly like this and I do not know what to do…then just stop, know that you have a choice.

 

 

 

The ultimate drug…Food?!?!

The ultimate drug…Food?!?!

Everything that you do you need to change! Everything that you’re use to…you need to adjust!

Small consistent changes over time will produce large results.

This seems to be the forefront of what is going on.  That’s the thing if you are not changing for the better, then what are you actually doing?  For the longest time in my life I was lost, with no direction, no ambition to make changes or even further my life in any form.  Now that I am working on myself for the last few years I am coming to the point where I want to make not only the internal changes, but the physical changes as well.

There are blogs out there that are all specifically about recovery, about depression, about weight loss, healthy eating, and even about current events that affect us today.

What about life?  You know we always see the blogs or websites where the people are successful at the changes and this is how I did it.  I get a little frustrated with it because I see it so much; I want to see the struggle, the slow transformation….not the before and after pics.

I am not just talking about weight loss transformation here.

So much has been focused on my recovery because that is a huge a part of my life and what has given me my life, but I want to make sure I show other aspects of it as well.

This is reality…this is a single mother in America.

I lost my job in July last year and trying to survive without help and making $300 a week on unemployment will bring anyone to their knees.  They say welfare was designed to help Americans who need it.  I needed it, so I got on food stamps.  Those food stamps bought my daughter and I food that was actually healthy for us.  I was able to provide healthy meals.

In November last year I found a job.  I am not one to stay unemployed for very long.  Working give me direction and a sense of accomplishment.

I work at a place that is very reputable, that is one of the best companies to work for and the pay to start, well, is decent – or at least it was about 10 years ago.   The government decided to take away my food stamps because I made too much money!  I was making $200 more every 2 weeks after taxes then I was on unemployment, yet paying $600 more a month in daycare for my daughter.

confused-baby-248x300

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE???

Their reasoning was that a family of 2 people in a household has to make less than $1700 a month BEFORE taxes!  Who can even survive off this!  Welfare was designed to help Americans get back on their feet, not keep them struggling because they can’t help you when it is actually warranted.  People that legitimately need the help CAN’T GET IT!

My daughter and I now can barely have the food we need in the house.  We are surviving and there is ALWAYS food in our belly’s, but it’s not the diet that should be fed to my baby or myself.  She needs more than carbs, fats, and processed food.  Food pantries are help, but you get the same types of food…processed.

junk-food

We wonder why there is the problem of obesity in America.  If we do not teach our kids about the food they put in our bodies this will continue.  We lead by example…going to the nearest fast food restaurant or buy all the quick frozen dinners at the grocery store is just showing kids that these food are what we should put in our bodies.

I am a heavier woman that is not a secret.  I grew up as a fit and somewhat thinner, but was considered “big boned.”  My mother was always in weight watchers and I saw her successfully lose 70 pounds through this program.  A lot of what she taught me about writing the food down, being conscious of what I am putting in my body has stuck with me, but I am stubborn, hard headed and impatient…so I lived in the trap of fast food and convenience.

I could be very real and just blurt out my weight, but this isn’t what I am going for here.  I want to feel comfortable again, I want to feel healthier, I don’t want my knees to hurt or back to hurt (surgery didn’t help that I am sure), I want to be confident again and feel sexy.  I am not looking to become some swimsuit model or even what we have been bombarded with by the media as beautiful, but I want to lose some pounds and become fit.

Recovery has taught me how to stay away from drugs and change my life for the better.  How can I view something that I need everyday to live…as a drug?  I used drugs to cover up the way I felt.  I eat when I am happy, sad, mad, stressed, so really what is the difference?

It is not that I do not think I am beautiful, people.  So I am not looking for compliments, I am beautiful, I am curvy and vivacious.  I am also beautiful on the inside and have a huge heart.  I just want to be fit.  I want to fit into the clothes that I chose and not what is available.  I know there are several other people out there that feel the same way as me.  Where are you?  Speak up!  Join me!

I want to talk about the real issues.  I want this to be real.  I want to know what you thoughts are, your feelings are.  I want to know your struggles with this and so many other topics.

You have to change EVERYTHING!

So much pressure!  Everything really?

People think that if you cut out this, if you limit yourself of that, and kill yourself doing, and then take this pill that the weight will magically fall off and stay off.  The thing to remember I didn’t get this way overnight and I certainly am not going to change everything overnight.

Small consistent changes over time will produce LARGE results.

Although, I do not have the extra money for the healthier food or the expensive name brand gluten free items I still am making it work.  I have been changing this now for the last 4 weeks.  I have changed from a frozen pizza every night when I get home to looking at it in a different perspective.

I am not the typical 9am – 5pm person.  I wake up later with my daughter and stay up later.  My schedule at work is what dictates this…so…my eating schedule had to change.

YOU CAN’T EAT LATE AT NIGHT WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!

Wrong!  I can as long as I do not go directly to sleep.  Since my body is use to a different schedule, when the clock turns 8pm my body doesn’t magically say to itself, “keep all this and store it” especially if I am active.

I have taken the food I eat and flipped flopped it around.  The traditional 3 meals a day consisted of a light breakfast, a little bit larger lunch, and a hearty dinner that we sit down with the family to eat.  WRONG!  I have changed to make my breakfast a little bit heavier with a healthy grain, lunch is moderate and dinner does not contain any carbs.  I have been doing this now consistently for 4 weeks.

I can’t tell you if I am seeing any results, but I can tell you that I feel better.  I have less bloating.  I have lost 4 pounds.  THAT’S IT?!?!  Absolutely!  This is a marathon baby not a race.

What I think I am going to do is incorporate some healthy recipe ideas and check in every week with the blogging world.  Maybe this can help someone stay motivated or you can help me stay motivated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ego, Pride…and a relationship?

Ego, Pride…and a relationship?

I have been focusing on the past or at least reflecting on the past and incorporating it into today’s issues; let’s fast forward to right now though.

I need to get this out!  I want to discuss something that is very current in my life right now.  Actually, there is a lot I want to discuss that is very current, but I want you to understand about me and my struggles of my past during active addiction.  Otherwise, I am just another crazy person out there rambling.

259ae2ad9f4ac08c649e0e9c7b530f66

I am overwhelmed.  I am struggling.  I am in fear and not operating in faith.  How does a person who has conquered so much in her life say that I am crippled in fear?  Fear of failure, fear of success…change, that is what is really the root of it.

How many times can you say, I faced my fear and overcame it?  I can say that it has happened a lot in my life.  When I do face it head on there is nothing but positive that radiates from the experience.  Even if the experience might have not turned out a complete success there is always something to be learned.

Right now, at this very time in my life, I can tell you about every bad thing from the financials that I am drowning in, to the lack of effort on both sides of the relationship with my sponsor and I, to the complete fear of making the decisions necessary in my life to change it.  For anyone who is in recovery or new to recovery, yes you can even experience a bottom clean.  This is new to me though, but the beautiful aspect of it all, the hope shot as we call it is, I can choose what my bottom is and I can change it at any time.

0_0_0_0_521_380_csupload_66698880

What I am really struggling with is I AM HARD HEADED AND STUBBORN.  I have this situation in my life (ok, well a couple of them actually) where I need help.  What’s new, right?  The real problem lies within my ego and pride actually.

Pride…Ego! No, not me!  I have low self worth how can I ever have an ego?!

I think I can do this all myself…EGO!  I do not need help…EGO!

When I was with my son’s father he handled everything, he did everything, I didn’t even know how to pay bills or balance a checkbook (which thank god for online account because I still am pretty horrible at it), as a result he referred to me as one of his children, which I resented him for that for many years. Hindsight is 20/20 though, finally understanding that I was a child in every way.  I acted like a child, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and went to any length to get it. When I left him I didn’t know how to do much, to pay bills on time or even pay them at all for that matter or anything else that adults do.

From that point on I vowed to myself that I would not let another man take care of me.  Where I come from or what my lifestyle consisted of was money always brought some form of power or manipulation.  In recovery, we strive to become fully self supporting declining outside contributions. I am a very literal type of person, so to me that statement means I should be able to do this on my own, to be able to work this tradition.

In actuality, this mean I should be able to get to the point where I can do this on my own.  Basically, what I am learning is as long as I am doing THE BEST I can that sometimes we need help and when God blesses me with the help do not deny it or it blocks other blessings.  I cannot wrap my mind around this.  There is always a catch, right?  There is always some ulterior motive, right?

IMG_3029

At work they gave us a little pot with dirt in it.  We are all growing plants at our desk.  Mine starting sprouting and it sprouted fast and tall, but thin and weak.  It died.  I gave up on the seedling, it withered to the dirt.  I placed my little green pot on the window seal at work and left for the weekend.

What the heck does this have anything to do with what you were talking about Andrea?

To my surprise I came to work on Monday and there was a strong seedling with bigger leaves and a thicker stem growing!  The moral of the story is, things are not always as they seem.  Sometimes when I rush to get things done or try to hurry through them because I think I can do it all myself that can cause that opportunity to die.  But when I can add a different perspective and take my time in a situation a strong foundation is able to be built and flourish.

116b89a35865ee74e1fa136d8b9ad8f4

I don’t know if that made sense or not, but when I came in on Monday and saw that seedling sprouting (I named my seedling Bertha) all I could think of is how I related to my situation, were it needed the help of the sun to warm the soil and the water I gave it to help it grow.  It needed the help or the beautiful plant couldn’t grow.  The only remedy to pride and ego is humility.  That is admitting and accepting help when it is truly needed, that is part of loving yourself and having a healthy relationship with yourself.  I am not the great I am!

Today is a new day, new blessings, new start, new chances.

 

 

Hey! Hello! Did you even hear me?

Hey! Hello! Did you even hear me?

see-no-abuse

A voice is a very powerful thing.  It can be soft and subtle, loud and boisterous,or stern and with a purpose; regardless of the voice it can come across and mean different things.  Have you ever experienced losing your voice though?

No, I am not talking on the literal sense, but lost your voice  to the point that you become a human doormat? If you stand for nothing you will fall for everything, I have been told.

I have always been in the sales field my whole life.  I have sold everything from Petro Heating Oil over the phone, to door to door sales for Cutco Cutlery (very very awesome knives, if you don’t have them you should look into investing), to customizable databases for businesses; a voice is very important, but not even as important as being heard.

My whole life I have felt muffled by the people around me. Work was the only way I was ever able to be heard properly because I was able to persuade people into what I have wanted them to do.  Ok, ok…my dad says I am a good B.Ser and maybe that’s it. Honestly, I do not even think that is categorized as having a voice, but to me people actually listened to me and I was actually right for once. Recently though I have had a real hard time with the fact that I have a voice or even how to use it.

quotes-about-sucess

During my relationship with my daughter’s father it was his voice that was heard.  I couldn’t voice my opinion, I was wrong even if I was right.  Honestly, I think I have to go further back than that and retrace most of my relationships starting with the most basic one…my mother and I.  I can remember her saying that I should fear her.  I remember that even if I thought something different than what she told me I was wrong and that she was always right.  From then on I was always afraid to speak up for myself.  Besides, if I am always wrong anyways, why would I speak up?

That has always followed me my whole life; even today, with my mom if I speak up it’s virtually impossible to ever be anything but wrong and if I try to speak up 9 times out of 10 it causes a fight.  This will translate to anyone that I feel is of an authority figure.  Some will suggest to approach these situations in a different matter, but it is so deep-seated within me that sometimes I do not know I am even doing it.  Most the time when a person is so use to being wrong all the time they automatically take the back seat.  A few qualities surface as a person grows into a teenager and an adult: defensive, codependent, controlling, approval seeking doormat.

Wait, look at those words…how can all those possibly go together?

First and foremost, I want to make sure everyone understands…I do not blame my mom for any of this.  Maybe this was taught to her, maybe she is like me or I am like her rather and that it’s just getting passed down from generation to generation.  .

Ok, back to these qualities, these words that just seem so funny to be put together.  Let’s break it down.

Defensive                grsdfgdasf

According to dictionary.com this word has quite a few meaning.  (I like to look up words because half the time I THINK I know the meaning and I really don’t) The meanings that stood out to me are; 1. serving to defend; protective. and 2. excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one’s ego, or exposure of one’s shortcomings.

I feel attacked more or less.

Based on my experience with this, if someone is trying to overpower me.  Let’s take my mom and I’s relationship; when she tries to tell me something that I know isn’t right I automatically get defensive with her.  It is a mechanism within me that gets switched on because I want to show her I am right.  This ALWAYS ends badly and always in a fight, frustrated and still wrong.

Codependent and Controlling    aid6421-728px-Recognize-a-Controlling-Person-Step-1

A lot of people misconstrue what codependent really is.  It is a word with so many meaning and just about everyone who is codependent has a different definition of it, but the core of itis manipulation and control.

Control is an illusion! Say that again, Control…is…an…illusion!

When I am around a person that I feel like I am not able to speak up for myself or have a “hard conversation” with I try to control the conversation, or how the outcome of it, or even if the person is going to like me by making sure to be a “yes ma’am” or “yes sir” type of person…people pleasing.  I’ll tell you a secret…NO is a complete sentence.  When you feel that you do not have a voice, you dance around that word like playing tag when you are a kid.

Approval Seeking Doormat        download

I know what you’re thinking….this sounds so mean! It is, but its the ugly truth about myself.  I would much rather be walked on by my friends and family then see them not like me.  It is much the same as people pleasing, but I think it is a little more.  When you not only want to make sure you are liked, you will not only try as hard as you can to make that person like you, but you will also accept or do some things that you do not want to which is essentially being a doormat or a push-over, which ever is easier for you take.

Why are you telling me all this? What does this stuff have to do with my voice?

All of these qualities can affect your day to day relationships with people; not just a romantic partner, but your friends, you boss, you family, or your children.  This is something that I struggle with.  There has been a situation placed in my life where I had to look hard at myself because I was feeling something that was not normal with a relationship.  It took me close to a year of approval seeking, of trying to control, and even getting defensive slightly with this person when I decided the pain was great enough and I need to do something about it…enough was enough.

I am the type of person that will have a conversation with a person then it takes a moment to fully digest or for me to fully take it in.  After this conversation I still have questions that have gone unanswered and it was the VERY questions that prompted me to have the conversation.  How does that happen?  It happens when I do not get everything that I wanted out, the questions I wanted answered…answered, or if something just doesn’t sit right.  Regardless, it all goes down to one basic fact….FEAR.

I say this reader, do not let someone over power you.  Stand up for yourself.  Practice this with me.  Remember: Stand for something or fall for everything.  Can we do this together?

 

Looking in the Mirror

Looking in the Mirror

The the hardest thing to do is to look at yourself even though we see ourselves everyday; in the mirror, on social media, or the million selfies we need to take to get the perfect one.  I know what I see in the mirror isn’t really what others see because of my self perception.  Call it low self esteem, call it low self worth, call it whatever you want; the fact of the matter is most people can see the outside of me.  The single mom with a decent car, decent job, little place in the country, doing it on her own.  Most categorize that as being strong and independent.  What people don’t see is truly what makes a person who they are…the inside.

Today was one of the toughest days in my recovery so far.  I had to have this hard conversation with my sponsor.  I don’t want to leave her, but my needs were not being met.  Before I approached her though I did a lot of looking at me, my actions and behaviors.  I needed to know what was I doing to cause this disconnect.  As we all know everything starts and ends with me, so I can’t totally put this issue on her. 
As our conversation started flowing there was a lot of emotions that have been trapped inside me that came out.  Although we didn’t come up with when I was going to schedule more time with her because at this point I need some attention in my recovery or the fact that I’m being held on a step that in our literature states we should not hesitate on doing this step…and that was the point of the conversation. I really hate confrontation.


I say all this to come to a place where looking in the mirror is more than just the outside appearance which is 9 times out of 10, a facade.  The most painful things about me are harbored deep within me.  I am so afraid to let anyone see me as anything less than perfect.  That I have spent my whole life saying I do not want to be like my mom, yet those character defects that she possesses are what is ingrained in me so deeply, which makes it so hard to accept myself as well as her. The fact that, if I am not a good at everything, that I don’t show you that I am doing the work, then I won’t get your approval.  

After all we all just want to be accepted and liked.

I guess once we really see ourselves for who we are; good, bad, or indifferent there is only one thing that can be done…change I must or die I will.  Maybe not die on a literal sense, but there is a death that can happen on the inside or even spiritual death that can be just as painful as the real thing.  It can drag you to this place and keep you there…out of fear, out of denial, out of not wanting to do what has to be done.  Believe me I know I’ve been there both in and out of recovery.

I wish I could see what others do.  Maybe then I would be able to say that I like myself more than what I do.  Don’t get it wrong,  I like myself a little, but I don’t accept myself.  Today, right now, it’s going to be a long road to change what I need to change to become the person I have always wanted to be and God intended me to be.  It’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it.


To the person reading this…that can relate…not just to the real life situation, but the pain of being this person that is struggling to be who they always wanted to be:  You are not alone.  I am here with you and maybe we can do this together.