I have been focusing on the past or at least reflecting on the past and incorporating it into today’s issues; let’s fast forward to right now though.
I need to get this out! I want to discuss something that is very current in my life right now. Actually, there is a lot I want to discuss that is very current, but I want you to understand about me and my struggles of my past during active addiction. Otherwise, I am just another crazy person out there rambling.
I am overwhelmed. I am struggling. I am in fear and not operating in faith. How does a person who has conquered so much in her life say that I am crippled in fear? Fear of failure, fear of success…change, that is what is really the root of it.
How many times can you say, I faced my fear and overcame it? I can say that it has happened a lot in my life. When I do face it head on there is nothing but positive that radiates from the experience. Even if the experience might have not turned out a complete success there is always something to be learned.
Right now, at this very time in my life, I can tell you about every bad thing from the financials that I am drowning in, to the lack of effort on both sides of the relationship with my sponsor and I, to the complete fear of making the decisions necessary in my life to change it. For anyone who is in recovery or new to recovery, yes you can even experience a bottom clean. This is new to me though, but the beautiful aspect of it all, the hope shot as we call it is, I can choose what my bottom is and I can change it at any time.
What I am really struggling with is I AM HARD HEADED AND STUBBORN. I have this situation in my life (ok, well a couple of them actually) where I need help. What’s new, right? The real problem lies within my ego and pride actually.
Pride…Ego! No, not me! I have low self worth how can I ever have an ego?!
I think I can do this all myself…EGO! I do not need help…EGO!
When I was with my son’s father he handled everything, he did everything, I didn’t even know how to pay bills or balance a checkbook (which thank god for online account because I still am pretty horrible at it), as a result he referred to me as one of his children, which I resented him for that for many years. Hindsight is 20/20 though, finally understanding that I was a child in every way. I acted like a child, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and went to any length to get it. When I left him I didn’t know how to do much, to pay bills on time or even pay them at all for that matter or anything else that adults do.
From that point on I vowed to myself that I would not let another man take care of me. Where I come from or what my lifestyle consisted of was money always brought some form of power or manipulation. In recovery, we strive to become fully self supporting declining outside contributions. I am a very literal type of person, so to me that statement means I should be able to do this on my own, to be able to work this tradition.
In actuality, this mean I should be able to get to the point where I can do this on my own. Basically, what I am learning is as long as I am doing THE BEST I can that sometimes we need help and when God blesses me with the help do not deny it or it blocks other blessings. I cannot wrap my mind around this. There is always a catch, right? There is always some ulterior motive, right?
At work they gave us a little pot with dirt in it. We are all growing plants at our desk. Mine starting sprouting and it sprouted fast and tall, but thin and weak. It died. I gave up on the seedling, it withered to the dirt. I placed my little green pot on the window seal at work and left for the weekend.
What the heck does this have anything to do with what you were talking about Andrea?
To my surprise I came to work on Monday and there was a strong seedling with bigger leaves and a thicker stem growing! The moral of the story is, things are not always as they seem. Sometimes when I rush to get things done or try to hurry through them because I think I can do it all myself that can cause that opportunity to die. But when I can add a different perspective and take my time in a situation a strong foundation is able to be built and flourish.
I don’t know if that made sense or not, but when I came in on Monday and saw that seedling sprouting (I named my seedling Bertha) all I could think of is how I related to my situation, were it needed the help of the sun to warm the soil and the water I gave it to help it grow. It needed the help or the beautiful plant couldn’t grow. The only remedy to pride and ego is humility. That is admitting and accepting help when it is truly needed, that is part of loving yourself and having a healthy relationship with yourself. I am not the great I am!
Today is a new day, new blessings, new start, new chances.