“I am suppose to be further in life! Why haven’t I been able to do this right? She did it this way, why wasn’t I able to do it like that? I am suppose to be making this much money, man I am such a stupid loser.”
Ever say this? I know I have; sometimes a little bit too much. I am always hard on myself. I AM my worst critic.
When I was on drugs, I literally thought I was going to die high and there was no way around that. What I thought about myself was not the greatest…I am too fat or I was a failure was the two biggest thoughts that constantly went across my mind. Even getting high though, I had these preconceived notions, visions even for the way my life was suppose to turn out – Graduate at 18, go to college graduate at 23, get married at 25 and babies and a house by 28. That was one heck of a plan and so much pressure I put on myself. If I didn’t achieve this I was a failure.
This plan, these…expectations, set me up for resentments towards myself as well as others. What I have learned in the last few years about resentments are that it always stems from me or a situation that happened in my life that started with… well me. The choices I made in my life caused my life to go in a completely different direction. Until I was able to let that go, to ACCEPT that things happen in life and it is not always going to turn out the way we EXPECTED.
Needless to say, the only thing that has rang true with the vision of my life was that I graduate high school at 18. Shortly after 18, I became a stripper, but because stripper was a dirty word to me I called myself a “visual entertainer.” I was determined to show my parents that I could survive on my own, whatever it took. That was a very short career for me because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, I am a people pleaser, and it disappointed my dad. Thinking I should be able to take on the world by myself, at age 18, was a very silly notion.
I am getting off topic a little, that will be for another post. Due to the decision to work there and make it on my own, I got hung up in a lifestyle that takes a lot of people out of this world in a box. One day in 2013, I woke up and looked around me; I was in an abusive relationship, in an empty apartment, I felt empty inside, and my relationships I had with other people were just as empty as the apartment I was living in was.
Now, completely off drugs and living a “normal” life (what is normal, anyway?), I have a whole different set of expectations. Why can’t I figure this out? I am 3 years clean, I shouldn’t be acting this way. They are 3 years clean and on step 6, why am I only on step 5? I should have a great paying job, graduated college and starting to pay off my debt by now, my Lord I am 32 what’s wrong with me? Why am I never enough?
Why is it so hard for people to just accept life and live in the present? Living in the present is a very hard concept, but if it can be done, will release a person from the expectations we put on ourselves. Expectations have always caused me to self hate giving me the lack of self acceptance. I have learned to not place expectations on others because I do not want to be let down, but when it comes to me, it is so very hard. In fact, 95% of the time the expectations on myself are what causes my greatest pains.
I was on the way to work today and was thinking, (That generally can get me in trouble.) but when you have a 40 minute commute there is plenty of time to think. It hit me, everything stops in my life as a result of this. Just looking back on my life the past couple of weeks it has become evident of this. What I mean by this is because I think I should be able to do everything on my own, carry everything and be able to do it all flawlessly, I fail to realize that life can be harsh sometimes. Recently, I have had a few “abrupt turns” in my path in life which has landed me completely stressed to the point of making myself sick and in the ER, dizzy from dehydration and bronchitis.
I say all this to make a point; to myself and whomever else this may reach, that I can’t carry this all by myself. I expect perfection from an imperfect world and it causes nothing but depression, not eating, not sleeping, not drinking, and in the hospital. It’s time to take life back. Yes the bills might not get paid on time, yes I might not be a perfect recovery addict, yes I might have to make changes in my life to adapt to what is happening, and yes I MIGHT HAVE TO ACCEPT HELP.
Wooo boy, accept help, that’s a rough one! Today, let’s look at life differently and let’s give ourselves a break.